Semantic Internalization of Haiku

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Big words that clutter small minds
Music filtered through

I've got a lot on my heart these days. A three year relationship ended recently. I couldn't even tell you when it ended. I just know the less time we spend together, the better we get along. I make a special point to rarely talk about it in my online journals, and never in any detail..but I feel I must say a few things. I don't really think it's fair that I should feel guilty if I ever found someone new. And I don't ever want that new person to ever feel they are a replacement of her [I.e. I shouldn't talk about her, like ever]. I like to think there's no cliche "empty space in my heart where she used to be". It's just an experience that's had it's day. Am I over it? Consciously yes. Subconsciously.. honestly, that will take time. I feel this desperate urge to test the new waters and explore myself through other women and sexuality. But I ask myself what it means to do that. I think about the roots of these measures. For example. last week I was sure I felt this deep connection with someone at the Dowtown. But I didn't even talk to her. Mostly, granted this was because I wasn't sure if she was with some guy that is really big and borderline belligerent. I don't get a good vibe from him at all. The point is, I spent a lot of time thinking about it. But the more I did, and the more I asked questions, I realized [or thought I did] that really I'm just trying to find myself. Because this is what would probably happen. There probably is the potential for a connection. But really I may just need to exercise my social muscles and go beyond my comfort zone a little bit and see what the world is really like. Probably I'll find out that the one who makes me nervous isn't all that great. I really just wanna spend time with nice people that I feel comfortable with. I have zero tolerance for people that have any desire to act on their impulses to be mean to me in even the slightest way. I really have no idea what the Hell I'm trying to say. But at least I'm trying to say it. I have a lot of emotions wrapped up in my fear of people in general, especially women. It isn't my fault that I have this fear. Maybe unconsciously I'm searching for people that will help me overcome this fear. Eventually, I'd like to see this concept through and dissolve this pattern into an integrated emanating consciousness that records music and lyrics and feels free. But I'm taking the long road, without the vices that everyone else clings to. Here's a song by The Jazz hip hop Phenom US3--I just got their album "52nd and Broadway" at the discount record store. I was looking for a Juliana Hatfield album to make a mixed for someone I don't even know. I talked to a computer nerd for fifteen minutes and got caught in a rain storm on the way home. I am almost coming down with a cold/cough.

"SHEEP"
Walking, thinking, feeling, responding
Uncovering and discovering new things about myself and this mad world around me
Many philosophies, many tongues, many dialects and tones
Different styles but wild is wild, calm is calm, but cool is mature
Most cool cats are kids at heart
Now there's business along with the art
A chef with words, a chef with herbs, a chef with vegetables, soy products and bean curd
Some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?

Of the world I haven't seen much, but with the mind I escape the ghetto's clutch
Loose cigarettes, ass bets on celo games, abandoned cars and colourful names on walls
Suburb days were filled with sun rays and crooked cops who looked at me sideways
Singin' that same old song, where ya from, 'cos round here you don't belong
Long strolls unravel my soul like a scroll telling many stories untold
But some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?

I an' I light up the sky, who be the sun, to stir up your adrenaline like African drums
Status quo, no. Along with the grain, no. I got my own flow
Similar to none, dangerous like itchy fingers on guns, yet graceful like swans
But there's a built in bomb
Must defuse, must choose, right or wrong, win or lose
Born to die, that's why I ask why is it so hard to get a piece of the pie
Some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?