"Today is the number of the Beast as spoken in the contrived book of revelations"
I'm really tired today. Doug says I probably messed myself up by eating pork, because I hadn't eaten it in so many years.
Some emotional stuff I am figuring out, though..like the fact that I am not doing the things my heart desires from day to day. I think about what I want to do all the time, but my depression/anxiety usually gets the better of me. I guess I just need to keep working through the trauma.
I'm trying to put myself on a schedule that involves breaking tasks into physical movements, because each type of task has it's own energy pattern. It takes alot of discipline for me to follow through, because one of the symptoms of trauma is inability/fear of managing time.
I realized in talking to my friend on OKCupid that I had forgotten how afraid I am of making music. She said it must be cathartic for me to play when I mentioned that I started playing keyboard and learning the patterns for the different types of scales. The problem is that it's way too cathartic for me. it's like a floodgate of emotion. If you've read my poetry--it's like that except squared.
Realizing my fear and where it comes from is always a window of opportunity for breakthrough. If I have a passion or two or three, I should follow them no matter how nasty the rapids threaten me. I should just soak in the intense feelings and steer my way forward.
I've learned so much from OKCupid. It took me a few months to even realize why I was there--speaking of my own personal journey. Anyone that knows anything about me can realize that I am reacting to the loss of my biggest romantic relationship in my life; but I've stumbled onto so much more.
But I've seen aspects of myself through relating to others in a consistent and honest and creative manner. Maybe I won't get laid anytime soon, but I realy don't care. Anyway..I can give myself orgasms that vibrate my teeth for God's Sake! TMI, too bad.
I knew I was searching for something at OKCupid, and every time I thought I found it, someone else cool came along and showed me more. So I feel blessed to have been there. Every system is ultimately what you make of it.
I reminded myself in a letter to someone today that I would like to integrate all the aspects of myself together into something creative, practical and beautiful. It's all right that all I have going right now are snipits and samples [10 poems, 15 raps, 1 unfinished screenplay, some drumming experience, the joy of letter writing, an avid intake of music (65%-80% of my waking life), etc.]
I am developing a love of patterns which I hope to fuse with my gift for numbers. I started arithmetic at age three. Doug showed me that every scale has the same pattern according to its type (Minor, Major, Blues). So it's senseless to memorize the actual note sequence when it's just a string of numbers [distqnces between 8 notes] 7 digits long. So I only need to know 3 phone phone numbers basically. I can easily memorize a hundred. I don't know that many, but I could if I wanted to. I only memorize what I need to know on a regular basis, though.
So, we're going to be buying a four track recorder very soon. The guy at the pawn shop offered me a deal, because I am cool and I get my phone service there. I have my room set up really well for recording. I have an empty desk, a couch and recliner and plenty of empty floor space and four outlets. There's also a mixer for 15 or twenty dollars that we can get too, which is excellent because I have high quality headphones, but no amplifier. As it is now, the bass notes are much weaker than the high notes. Since we live in an apt. complex of sixteen apt.'s, this makes the most sense. We can make some noise here because of the concrete walls between apt.s, which is so much better than the wooden walls and ceiling above us that we had at the last place.
So, yeah, it's time to stop needlessly wrestling against time and step up to the plate and stop wasting my talent. I'm going to continue with my healing trauma routine--which I think everyone should do, because trauma is a very misunderstood and under-recognized aspect of society and individual consciousness. I bought a cool pulsating shower head at a local dept. Store [Big Lots] for 11 fitty. It's a requirement for getting in touch with my physical body, where residual trauma stays until it is released or kills you.
I'd rather have it come out the proper way instead of just coming out like a broken dam gate and scaring the shit out of me when I play music. I like to be creative, but I need some control over the process. Without some control, life is out of balance.
I don't know if I'm challenging my fears or making friends with them. Either way, I think should keep going out of nothing more than curiosity if that's what it takes.
Some emotional stuff I am figuring out, though..like the fact that I am not doing the things my heart desires from day to day. I think about what I want to do all the time, but my depression/anxiety usually gets the better of me. I guess I just need to keep working through the trauma.
I'm trying to put myself on a schedule that involves breaking tasks into physical movements, because each type of task has it's own energy pattern. It takes alot of discipline for me to follow through, because one of the symptoms of trauma is inability/fear of managing time.
I realized in talking to my friend on OKCupid that I had forgotten how afraid I am of making music. She said it must be cathartic for me to play when I mentioned that I started playing keyboard and learning the patterns for the different types of scales. The problem is that it's way too cathartic for me. it's like a floodgate of emotion. If you've read my poetry--it's like that except squared.
Realizing my fear and where it comes from is always a window of opportunity for breakthrough. If I have a passion or two or three, I should follow them no matter how nasty the rapids threaten me. I should just soak in the intense feelings and steer my way forward.
I've learned so much from OKCupid. It took me a few months to even realize why I was there--speaking of my own personal journey. Anyone that knows anything about me can realize that I am reacting to the loss of my biggest romantic relationship in my life; but I've stumbled onto so much more.
But I've seen aspects of myself through relating to others in a consistent and honest and creative manner. Maybe I won't get laid anytime soon, but I realy don't care. Anyway..I can give myself orgasms that vibrate my teeth for God's Sake! TMI, too bad.
I knew I was searching for something at OKCupid, and every time I thought I found it, someone else cool came along and showed me more. So I feel blessed to have been there. Every system is ultimately what you make of it.
I reminded myself in a letter to someone today that I would like to integrate all the aspects of myself together into something creative, practical and beautiful. It's all right that all I have going right now are snipits and samples [10 poems, 15 raps, 1 unfinished screenplay, some drumming experience, the joy of letter writing, an avid intake of music (65%-80% of my waking life), etc.]
I am developing a love of patterns which I hope to fuse with my gift for numbers. I started arithmetic at age three. Doug showed me that every scale has the same pattern according to its type (Minor, Major, Blues). So it's senseless to memorize the actual note sequence when it's just a string of numbers [distqnces between 8 notes] 7 digits long. So I only need to know 3 phone phone numbers basically. I can easily memorize a hundred. I don't know that many, but I could if I wanted to. I only memorize what I need to know on a regular basis, though.
So, we're going to be buying a four track recorder very soon. The guy at the pawn shop offered me a deal, because I am cool and I get my phone service there. I have my room set up really well for recording. I have an empty desk, a couch and recliner and plenty of empty floor space and four outlets. There's also a mixer for 15 or twenty dollars that we can get too, which is excellent because I have high quality headphones, but no amplifier. As it is now, the bass notes are much weaker than the high notes. Since we live in an apt. complex of sixteen apt.'s, this makes the most sense. We can make some noise here because of the concrete walls between apt.s, which is so much better than the wooden walls and ceiling above us that we had at the last place.
So, yeah, it's time to stop needlessly wrestling against time and step up to the plate and stop wasting my talent. I'm going to continue with my healing trauma routine--which I think everyone should do, because trauma is a very misunderstood and under-recognized aspect of society and individual consciousness. I bought a cool pulsating shower head at a local dept. Store [Big Lots] for 11 fitty. It's a requirement for getting in touch with my physical body, where residual trauma stays until it is released or kills you.
I'd rather have it come out the proper way instead of just coming out like a broken dam gate and scaring the shit out of me when I play music. I like to be creative, but I need some control over the process. Without some control, life is out of balance.
I don't know if I'm challenging my fears or making friends with them. Either way, I think should keep going out of nothing more than curiosity if that's what it takes.
posted by Invisible Genius @ 6:48 PM
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