Memoirs of an invisible genius

My new book project..

2006-06-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

The Dummy's guide to Chip Whitley is about to begin..
I have titles for several chapters and their corresponding themes written down..I will post them tomorrow.

Robbing your subconscious mind of all hope...

2006-06-25T15:42:00.000-05:00

I got two fortune cookies today whilst at the mall. Then al these little kids kept going up to the lady and ordering them, too.

Anyway, Mine said.."all your hard work is about to pay off soon" & "you will enjoy doing something very different this coming weekend"

weird. I wonder what that ever could mean?

Anyway..here's something fun that will ruin you if you click on it..

Ralphy, etc..

2006-06-25T11:36:00.000-05:00

Ralphy is sleeping on my couch. I think he's helping me emotionally by
being here. I mean, I know he's glad to be here. Lisanne is right--we
are kindred spirits. She even noticed that we have the same facial
expressions. He helped Doug wake up today. I put him and Doug while he
was trying to hit the snooze alarm one more time. "C'mon Doug, wake up
so you can pet my head", Ralphy said.
I walked in a rain storm today on my way back from blockbuster.
I got the Third Lord of the Rings Movie--Return of the King. The Second
movie impressed me immensely. I also am going to watch Ghost world
again for about the fourth time. I know I will still piss myself when I
see the guy in the Mullet at the convenience store. Doug's never seen
that movie. We have Donnie Darko and The Donkey Balthazaar by Robert
Bresson on the way too.
I'm really getting into movies again. It's all part of the creative
resurfacing of my imagination that I lost deacdes ago, and am fighting
to get back. Myspace is actually helping me with that as well..
There are really some interesting characters there..you just have to
find them.
It's all about the personas..like this one guy is A.C. Slater from
"Saved by the Bell". There's Urkl, Chuck Norris, and Bob Saget
characters as well. It's similar to what I found at RT..but it's easier
to dodge the group mentality..at least for me anyway. There's more
networking going on at myspace..rather than just random unmoderated tom
foolery as found in the RT forums. I met a couple good friends
there..but I think I needed to move on. I almost became a legend in RT
forums..and may still return when the time is ripe.
Anyway..feel free to join myspace and integrate yourself with my new
world. I must warn you that it can be addictive..so proceed with caution.

Later.

_____________________________________________________________________
PrivatePhone - FREE telephone number & voicemail.
A number so private, you can make it public.
http://www.privatephone.com

2006-06-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

I got Ralphy today. We have to keep him here [at the apt.complex] on the DL tip. I snuck him in from Lisanne's car in one of her shirts.

I rode the bike up to Dollar General and got him a litter box and some food. He's a eating some white chicken right now. Oh wait, he just finished. I bought him some Iams. The white chicken is just a treat.

He was attacking Avaril [the peach cat we brought from NJ], so it was either sneak him here or send him to the pound. I asked Doug whilst in a JimBeam stupor last night, and he agreed.

If we follow a couple simple guidelines--like putting him in my room every time someone knocks on the door [even neighbors]--we'll be fine.

My conscience is clear on this, as it smelled like a wet dog when I moved in and I had to flea bomb the place. Ralphy actually uses his box and has a flea collar.

He really missed us. He's very needy. He needs his head rubbed quite frequently and he likes to sleep with Doug. Hopefully he will get used to being an indoor cat. What choice does he have? We just saved him from going to the pound. He's currently exploring the top of my couch/bed and hacking his lungs out--so cute. Very endearing.

BTW, I'm recruitijng people to call my answering machine and say random things. It's part of a music project I am doing. For more details or to express interest--email me. Or comment, if you are surfing in and don't know my email [it's NOT mre74@hotmail.com like my profile says].

P.S.-- My Website where you get free E-Books!!!!
Tell all your friends!!!!.. Or don't--you ingrate.

My Truancy

2006-06-22T08:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, a lot's been NOT happening with me...sorry to not have shared it with you.

I did score my first liquidation business deal [women's socks], if knowing that is your thing. I will find out tomorrow or Monday if it will yield me some loot. I really would like it if it did.

A beautiful woman [who is, of course unavailable] from the downtown has seduced me into the world of myspace.

MY myspace profile

MY myspace blog

At my blog there, I've mostly just been reposting my writing and telling short, uninteresting stories and spouting half-fast philosophies..you know--the usual.

P.S.-- My Website where you get free E-Books!!!!
Tell all your friends!!!!.. Or don't--you ingrate.

~Love John

This just in...

2006-06-18T08:18:00.000-05:00

4 out of 5 of my posts go uncommented on...

That's "fucking awesome!"

Happy Father's Day

Blogger: this just in--"smoke it and you will kill people"

2006-06-13T14:58:00.000-05:00

Official Gubment Propaganda on marijuana usage as rereleased in the documentary--"Grass".

Interesting to note that decades after the original propaganda was shown to the sheep, er..masses, Crack was developed, but 9 times out of ten the degenerates were too emaciated to actually harm anyone.

This concludes today's episode of "Phoning it in"

Getting high tech and emailing my entries in..

2006-06-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Is that kind of like "phoning it in"? If so, I approve.

I guess so tired of all these attempts at effort and integration..

So, my new band, "Men in Capes" is going to play a show on July 1st. As soon as that's done I am going on a special journey..no, not an acid trip. I'm going to embark upon a trek across "external reality".

I'm thinking about just doing bizarre, complex variations of Pink Floyd songs for the show. Well, not just me..the band will have "other" members. I'll record the show for anyone who wants me to mail it to them.

Well, all right, so I have to up my practicing to two hours a day instead of one for a couple weeks. No biggie.

I have a special schedule now that I have a job, three home businesses and a huge resevoir of movies from blockbuster online to watch. I just saw Aeon Flux last night, and I must say it was delightful. I'm going to have to rent that again very soon.

I haven't really watched movies consistently for about two years. But I'm back in the loop. Funny how I was on Rotten Tomatoes all that time and I had only Watched Anchorman and few Kung Fu Flicks.

Well, I'm going to go eat rice and lentils, cause they help me poop. =]

What a lame Blog I have. Eh..Oh well.

invisiblegenius@earthlink.net

EarthLink Revolves Around You.

Completely cracked out of my mind and unapologetic

2006-06-10T16:24:00.000-05:00

Yep..

Mo wheat--AKA Warren Douglas ordered some information about how to patent your invention ideas. His overactive mind is always coming up with these types of things. They don't even expect you to create the product. They handle product development and patents, and then they pay you. He claims that at any given time, he has multiple ideas in his head. But, over said time, they pass on and he forgets the details. So he plays the numbers game..a few of them are bound to pay off.

He bought this stuff [and I tried it today]--some kind of herbal fat burning pill [Hydroxycut--ranked 11/30 at consumerhealthdigest.com]. Mo Wheat said it gives you super motivation, so I tried it. I hate my job and start very early in the morning, and I hate drinking coffee [I used to drink it often and was very fond of trying many flavors..], so I took one pill. God Damn! How it works--anything you eat, the carbs and nutrients are like super assimilated and energy goes through your blood stream. Coffee pretty much just screws up your hormone levels and drains your nutrients. Coffee is bullshit--hate me for kicking the shit out of the illusion, but some arrogant prick had to do it, it might as well have been me.

So, like I can't take this shit every day, cause I'm a reservoir of potential energy, and it only takes one pill to make me feel cracked out all day. Plus, I only weigh 140 lbs. sobbing wet. So a fat burner isn't really my cup of tea. Maybe I should drink some Chamomile tea soon, because I'm still at full blast 12 hours after taking the pill. What's that Japanese phrase for working yourself to death? I just wanted a little motivation..

So, I went over my ex's today after work to give her a card and a figurine, because we had a really disheartening exchange last night. Anyway, My beautiful and wonderful cat Ralphy lives with her temporarily [We used to live next door to each other for the past six months.]. He really misses me and I visit him twice a week, but it isn't enough. I can't really keep him where I am, but I was in a pinch, so we [my roommate and I] chose this apt. The Landlord even made it a point to put it in bold, red letters "Absolutely no pets allowed" in the lease.
Poor Ralphy gets attacked daily whenever he goes outside by this massive grey cat; and he reacts by attacking the other cat--poor innocent Avaril. So I set a trap for The garagantuan stray with a cat carrier and some food. I was actually trying to draw his energy with some Tai Ji maneuvers [that I made up as I went along]. There's a little picnic area by the woods and a nice little valley. It's a beautiful place to connect with nature.
I didn't catch the bastard cat yet, but I did discover a few things from my brief meditation--Level one of tai ji: Awareness; Level 2: self_defense; Level three: Peace; and level 4: Integration.
"It's boring I know, but it's my life". God, I'm so deep..
I almost took another header on my bike today. I wanted to blame the car next to me that didn't know how to drive, but I know it just as much my own dumb ass fault. The entire reason I almost flipped was that I had to take the back brakes off when I took a header and crash the bike at about 20 mph going down a MT. last time. It bent the wheel a tad, so, of course, applying front brakes at inopportune moments and amounts of applied pressure is potentially bad..Like when you go off the road and into the grass at high speeds and your not sure where the curb is or where the bumps are.
When I crashed before, I was wearing a really thick sweatshirt at about 5:30 am [came out pretty much scratch free--no breaks, sprains, bruises]. These days I am riding shirtless because I may wanna hit some beaches this summer. I do not want to scrape the hell out of my torso in a major wreck. That would truly suck Monkey ass. If it happens, I'll just get all hardcore and tattoo right over the scars.
Fuck yea, That's what I'll do! Can you tattoo over scars? I better look into that.

"Everybody's got nice stuff but me."

2006-06-09T20:52:00.000-05:00

--I was almost sick today. Taking : prunes, raisins, fruit juice, lemon water, etc.I got a new web site..If anybody wants to check it out--shot put me an email.I'm getting really good at riding up hill."Take me out", Dead Milkmen--

Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me

Look at that girl she makes me sick
She's got a wad of bills 6 inches thick
Got a brand new stereo a new TV
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I want a stereo I want a TV

Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me

People in nice cars how'd they get em?
I close my eyes try to forget em
Went out swimming got hit by a jet-ski
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I wanna car I wanna jet-ski

Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me

She's got eyes of deepest blue
He's got hair that's green
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I wish I had the kind of cash
To make heads turn when I walk past
I wish I could live in luxury

Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I want cash, I want money
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I want a stereo I want a TV
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I want a car I want a jet-ski
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
I want hair that's blue or green
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me
Everybody's got nice stuff but me

"Today is the number of the Beast as spoken in the contrived book of revelations"

2006-06-06T18:48:00.000-05:00

I'm really tired today. Doug says I probably messed myself up by eating pork, because I hadn't eaten it in so many years.
Some emotional stuff I am figuring out, though..like the fact that I am not doing the things my heart desires from day to day. I think about what I want to do all the time, but my depression/anxiety usually gets the better of me. I guess I just need to keep working through the trauma.
I'm trying to put myself on a schedule that involves breaking tasks into physical movements, because each type of task has it's own energy pattern. It takes alot of discipline for me to follow through, because one of the symptoms of trauma is inability/fear of managing time.
I realized in talking to my friend on OKCupid that I had forgotten how afraid I am of making music. She said it must be cathartic for me to play when I mentioned that I started playing keyboard and learning the patterns for the different types of scales. The problem is that it's way too cathartic for me. it's like a floodgate of emotion. If you've read my poetry--it's like that except squared.
Realizing my fear and where it comes from is always a window of opportunity for breakthrough. If I have a passion or two or three, I should follow them no matter how nasty the rapids threaten me. I should just soak in the intense feelings and steer my way forward.
I've learned so much from OKCupid. It took me a few months to even realize why I was there--speaking of my own personal journey. Anyone that knows anything about me can realize that I am reacting to the loss of my biggest romantic relationship in my life; but I've stumbled onto so much more.
But I've seen aspects of myself through relating to others in a consistent and honest and creative manner. Maybe I won't get laid anytime soon, but I realy don't care. Anyway..I can give myself orgasms that vibrate my teeth for God's Sake! TMI, too bad.
I knew I was searching for something at OKCupid, and every time I thought I found it, someone else cool came along and showed me more. So I feel blessed to have been there. Every system is ultimately what you make of it.
I reminded myself in a letter to someone today that I would like to integrate all the aspects of myself together into something creative, practical and beautiful. It's all right that all I have going right now are snipits and samples [10 poems, 15 raps, 1 unfinished screenplay, some drumming experience, the joy of letter writing, an avid intake of music (65%-80% of my waking life), etc.]
I am developing a love of patterns which I hope to fuse with my gift for numbers. I started arithmetic at age three. Doug showed me that every scale has the same pattern according to its type (Minor, Major, Blues). So it's senseless to memorize the actual note sequence when it's just a string of numbers [distqnces between 8 notes] 7 digits long. So I only need to know 3 phone phone numbers basically. I can easily memorize a hundred. I don't know that many, but I could if I wanted to. I only memorize what I need to know on a regular basis, though.
So, we're going to be buying a four track recorder very soon. The guy at the pawn shop offered me a deal, because I am cool and I get my phone service there. I have my room set up really well for recording. I have an empty desk, a couch and recliner and plenty of empty floor space and four outlets. There's also a mixer for 15 or twenty dollars that we can get too, which is excellent because I have high quality headphones, but no amplifier. As it is now, the bass notes are much weaker than the high notes. Since we live in an apt. complex of sixteen apt.'s, this makes the most sense. We can make some noise here because of the concrete walls between apt.s, which is so much better than the wooden walls and ceiling above us that we had at the last place.
So, yeah, it's time to stop needlessly wrestling against time and step up to the plate and stop wasting my talent. I'm going to continue with my healing trauma routine--which I think everyone should do, because trauma is a very misunderstood and under-recognized aspect of society and individual consciousness. I bought a cool pulsating shower head at a local dept. Store [Big Lots] for 11 fitty. It's a requirement for getting in touch with my physical body, where residual trauma stays until it is released or kills you.
I'd rather have it come out the proper way instead of just coming out like a broken dam gate and scaring the shit out of me when I play music. I like to be creative, but I need some control over the process. Without some control, life is out of balance.
I don't know if I'm challenging my fears or making friends with them. Either way, I think should keep going out of nothing more than curiosity if that's what it takes.

Semantic Internalization of Haiku

2006-06-06T04:42:00.000-05:00

Advertisement with
Big words that clutter small minds
Music filtered through

I've got a lot on my heart these days. A three year relationship ended recently. I couldn't even tell you when it ended. I just know the less time we spend together, the better we get along. I make a special point to rarely talk about it in my online journals, and never in any detail..but I feel I must say a few things. I don't really think it's fair that I should feel guilty if I ever found someone new. And I don't ever want that new person to ever feel they are a replacement of her [I.e. I shouldn't talk about her, like ever]. I like to think there's no cliche "empty space in my heart where she used to be". It's just an experience that's had it's day. Am I over it? Consciously yes. Subconsciously.. honestly, that will take time. I feel this desperate urge to test the new waters and explore myself through other women and sexuality. But I ask myself what it means to do that. I think about the roots of these measures. For example. last week I was sure I felt this deep connection with someone at the Dowtown. But I didn't even talk to her. Mostly, granted this was because I wasn't sure if she was with some guy that is really big and borderline belligerent. I don't get a good vibe from him at all. The point is, I spent a lot of time thinking about it. But the more I did, and the more I asked questions, I realized [or thought I did] that really I'm just trying to find myself. Because this is what would probably happen. There probably is the potential for a connection. But really I may just need to exercise my social muscles and go beyond my comfort zone a little bit and see what the world is really like. Probably I'll find out that the one who makes me nervous isn't all that great. I really just wanna spend time with nice people that I feel comfortable with. I have zero tolerance for people that have any desire to act on their impulses to be mean to me in even the slightest way. I really have no idea what the Hell I'm trying to say. But at least I'm trying to say it. I have a lot of emotions wrapped up in my fear of people in general, especially women. It isn't my fault that I have this fear. Maybe unconsciously I'm searching for people that will help me overcome this fear. Eventually, I'd like to see this concept through and dissolve this pattern into an integrated emanating consciousness that records music and lyrics and feels free. But I'm taking the long road, without the vices that everyone else clings to. Here's a song by The Jazz hip hop Phenom US3--I just got their album "52nd and Broadway" at the discount record store. I was looking for a Juliana Hatfield album to make a mixed for someone I don't even know. I talked to a computer nerd for fifteen minutes and got caught in a rain storm on the way home. I am almost coming down with a cold/cough.

"SHEEP"
Walking, thinking, feeling, responding
Uncovering and discovering new things about myself and this mad world around me
Many philosophies, many tongues, many dialects and tones
Different styles but wild is wild, calm is calm, but cool is mature
Most cool cats are kids at heart
Now there's business along with the art
A chef with words, a chef with herbs, a chef with vegetables, soy products and bean curd
Some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?

Of the world I haven't seen much, but with the mind I escape the ghetto's clutch
Loose cigarettes, ass bets on celo games, abandoned cars and colourful names on walls
Suburb days were filled with sun rays and crooked cops who looked at me sideways
Singin' that same old song, where ya from, 'cos round here you don't belong
Long strolls unravel my soul like a scroll telling many stories untold
But some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?

I an' I light up the sky, who be the sun, to stir up your adrenaline like African drums
Status quo, no. Along with the grain, no. I got my own flow
Similar to none, dangerous like itchy fingers on guns, yet graceful like swans
But there's a built in bomb
Must defuse, must choose, right or wrong, win or lose
Born to die, that's why I ask why is it so hard to get a piece of the pie
Some look at my face and say you're quite absurd
And I say why, 'cos I'm not down with the herd?

I just saw the coolest heavy metal band last night.

2006-06-02T17:35:00.000-05:00

They are called commander. I walked to the Downtown, cause I was bored and I caught their set. I started out on Heavy Metal from ages 12-16, so it was a real treat [They even played "Breakin the Law"]. I got to talk with the singer and I talked philosophy with the guitarist. I got a T-Shirt and two CD's for a total of ten bucks. And I ate the best taco salad ever.

Who says you need other people to go out with. F that. I can rock out solo. Word up.

two guy's thriving..[who happen to NOT be gay]

2006-06-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

I'm finally settled into the new place, and lemme tell you that it's a whole new world..No Crazy guy above us. No creepy caretaker next to us. Privacy. When Doug's at work, I can actually get a lot done. I listen to spiritual CD's and do exercises and I can write without being interupted every half hour. I can walk in 15 minutes to the greatest music club around. It would have taken 1 1/2 hours before. I found a guy that wants to start a band and has a drum set. He lives about 4-5 blocks away. How unspeakably rad is that?We brought some furniture here and when we got here Tuesday, there was a brand new sofa and love seat sitting by the burb for our living room. It's a weekly rental place, so I guess somebody didn't have a way to move it[?]. We each get paid every two weeks, so we are gonna take turns paying the rent. 120 bucks every two weeks isn't half bad. There's no electric bill, so I can crank the AC in the evenings. It's already ninety degrees here every day, but we have concrete walls on either side of us, so it stays tolerably cool.There' no more deadly road to travel anymore..We each go an extra mile and a half on the bike each way to work, but it doesn't matter cause it's all sidewalk--no shoulderless road with crazy redneck drivers. Most people around here are nice til they set foot in their cars. I'm going to be having some extra money in the next couple weeks coming in.. I'm not actually authorized to menttion what it is at this juncture, but if you are one of my friends that reads this, you will have an idea soon.My bedroom is hooked up with a large couch, a love seat for reading, a mini dresser, and a nice closet. There's two other huge closets that Doug and I can use for our stuff. The apartment is set up so the the living room and bedroom are separated by the kitchen and bathroom. The bathroom is really nice compared to our other one. The tub spits out some black dirt, so I'll have to see about that with the landlord. The shower seems fine though. We got a map of the world vinyl shower curtain. I could right a book about how much better I feel with this new place. I have some extra money in the bank, and I'm cutting coupons and eating rice and lentils, so I don't have to worry about anything financially. I still have to tow my car here, as I wasn't able to start it. But that's just a simple matter of negotiating w/ AAA or a local towing company.

"Moving" on..the transition springs from wordplay

2006-05-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

Looks like we scored a place..My roommate's gonna check it out tomorrow. It's two bedrooms this time..and apparently it has a yard and a porch and it's furnished [we'll give Lisanne the king size bed and the other couch]. The fridge needs to be replaced which will put us a day or two past our dealine here..which doesn't really matter, because I consider the landlord and caretakers to both kind of be dicks. The Caretaker, James is much worse..But alas..thank God we are going to a better place. I'll miss this place a little bit. I mean there's a valley in front of our door. There's a picnic area. We never got a chance to barbecue out there yet. We might snag one of the many grills on our way out. I mean if we're gonna have our own yard and all..We always hear birds here too. That's a nice thing. Ralphy will probably miss it. There's other cats he can play with here, though he mostly keeps to himself anyway. I might even miss Richard, the crazy old man that lives above us. He hated me for a while because he used to be in an institution for over thirty years, and he thought I "locked people away", because I worked as a prison courier last year. He got a little mixed up. He makes a lot of really annoying noises and he has tried to pick a fight with me, which was amusing. He asked me a few questions about God, and I tried to explain the concept of the metaphor. I said something like, "this magazine could represent that tree over there"..and he was like "that magazine is a tree?". Anyway, this place is very crazy, I can't really explain it to well. I just don't have the patience or will left in me to do it.We thought it would be funny to knock his door as we left, wearing only speedos and capes. Mildly hillarious.Yeah, so we're probably moving within the next four days. we already went through our stuff several days ago and packed it all. In the process I found my keys and the car battery receipt that cost me 60 dollars even though I think I got a factory defective jawn.I'm psyched about the future..The next few months are going to be like nothing else before. =]

2006-05-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

It occured to me after a three days of obsessively searching on OKCupid and business endeavors. [Not to mention I was crying incessantly after reading a a book called Healing Trauma by Peter Levine.] corresponded with some very interesting people. I don't regret wasting my own time. Time is only wasted when on a scheduled path. My path is wavering. I'm completely disjointed, as I my trauma has scattered my consciousness.I really think I should keep my low paying job and just write obsessively. I've taken so much from the mistakes of the past two days. That's the key to life for me right now. Don't regret but embrace the mstakes. Be friends with them. It's the What about Bob theme, so to speak.I need to get past the enthusiasm phase of my writing.. I wrote a screenplay I didn't finish [got a 100 pages done, but didn't edit or put it together]. I wrote a dozen or so complicated raps [some of them while working at the factory]. I would think of them while grinding steel poles or walking down the road. I most recently have written poetry, which expresses my views on self and reality more intimately. I needed to burn myself out at OKCupid to realize a few things. The unconscious mind is funny that way. I am very dedicated to listening to that voice. "I thank Jesus" every day that I found Lyndy and this wonderful journal. 60% of what I say here has been complete moosh, but that's all right.I'm like a kid in both spirit and form most of the time. I have my little flashes of brilliance, but I haven't been assiduous enough to put it all together.Basically, I came here to write and finalize my thought, which is this--if all I have is my crap job and my passion (writing), that's OK for now. I still wanna be rich, but I gotta follow my heart along the way. Without releasing this trauma that's trapped in my body, I can't find the energy to allow that for myself..but that's the residual effect of my first day of trauma healing exercises.Wow, my other half is banging on the door, demanding that I engage in irrational conversation. It feels a little like being trapped in prison. It's horrible feeling, really. I can't really handle it. This is bad. She's so used to dumping her emotions on me, that she is freaking out, now that I won't comply.All right, I answered the door and took a deep breath.. I handled it without reacting emotionally. It's always good to supress the emotions in these situations..otherwise the rice and lentils will not digest properly.That's one of the long term symptoms of trauma--poor digestion. Mostly I'm just working on how to connect with the world. My interactions are deep yet brief. I'm working on setting physical boundaries while I am healing. I feel much more calm and at ease when I do this.I guess that's why I am about to write a minimalist film. I wish I never gave my Bresson Notes away. I guess I'll have to order them again by mail after I move...Well, I just figured I'd organize a few thoughts/concepts slightly, before I moved onto serious writing..Here's a poem I'm working on..The title is from a fortune cookie in a friend's collage..

"The rubber hands are moving in the right direction"
************88888888888888888888888888888***********
Introspective breakthrough perceived as if an Amelie
Gasping and puffing away from open field ears marked
Taking exception straight select few of tagged girth
Ancient drum rhythm pounding universal pavement fear
Cells and pockets threaten trapping natural response
Great beast flowing the everpresent graceful machine
Welcoming the ground repeating a sluggish frame rate
Abdominal blowing and swelling taking offense to air

Someone keep's insisting that I look like this guy..

2006-05-23T03:59:00.000-05:00

Or that I was him in a previous life. Pfft. whatever. I don't know. What do my loyal readers think?
I'm still leaning towards Socrates, but that's just me. I'm biased in the direction of my own feelings for some reason.

Barely making it..and much much more

2006-05-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

Fact:
My "my Documents'" folder has 984 files and 74 folders.

I transfered my laptops's "My doc's" to my tower. It took about 15 disks to transfer it.

I wanna go through it when "my kidneys" stop hurting. The "fence incident" exacerbated my abdomnial condition, so I've changed my diet to suit my needs..cabbage, apples, lemon water, prune juice, and of course spinach, the penultimate laxative.

It's been noted that it's only acceptable in today's society to talk about bowel movements in reference to babies and old people. But I made a promise, and I wanted to keep it. "YW Lyndy". =]

So I'm going to go through my "my doc's" folder for clues and stuff about my life and a self-documentary my friend Angelo Mike gave me an idea for. As soon as my kidneys go back to normal, and this eviction stops looming over our heads, that is, I will..

I have a job that will pay the rent if we get a place. I'm starting to realize this monumental purpose in being here as I build my self esteem and confidence. There's this guy Bryce that I work with..and he just responds to me like "I know" and he knows that I know, and he has been patiently waiting for me to come along and reveal the secrets of the universe to him. I guess he has a sharp mind and his work ethic is high..I get a sense about how he knows, but I don't know for sure til I talk to him more.

I thought today about how Lyndy said I should write the idiot's guide to John. It's probably going to be integrated with a documentary, with a short story [or series of them] as an outline. There's some integral stuff I've figured out based on my interpersonal relationships throughout my life. That shall move the plot; this fuction will be both subtle and overt as a dynamic tool throughout.

I haven't really thought it through consciously yet, but it seems like I have a good idea base. Like I said, I have an eviction hanging over my head, but I know that everything will be all right, mostly because we have seen no written documentation of this. But I am doing many great things for myself.. I ordered some free grant/loan info via Fed ex yesterday. We'll see how things go. Ooh, a case of EBS is about to strike hard..

Sample comments..fooled myself again.

2006-05-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

I'm always giving people the address here and no one comments. So fuck it.
I know myself. I don't need to write about it here anymore.
No more poetry or self-reflection.
I'll keep it to myself.

here's two quotes:

The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one personand himself. – Garth Brooks, American Country Music Singer and Songwriter So true says the invsbl genius

I put a piece of paper under my pillow, and when I could not sleep, I wrote in the dark. – Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862, AmericanEssayist/Poet/Naturalist Good thinking man..pertinent idea.

Operation Feed the Horse

2006-05-14T20:10:00.000-05:00

I was walking around and I stopped to chat with one of the horses and try to give her some raisins, when I accidentally touched the electric fence with my upper lip. I fell backwards and was almost knocked unconscious. It startled the horse, but she seemed to be understanding about it. Not fun. My head is starting to hurt. I was originally planning to post this because I thought it would be funny..but it isn't really. Happy Mother's Day.

Lurking lions leap landing on Leon's lazy leopard lace lapel

2006-05-12T19:27:00.000-05:00

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question
Of your loneliness
Confide...
`cause I’ll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will

X girlfriend called me up
Alone and desperate
On the prison phone
They want... to give her 7 years
For being sad

Chorus :
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don’t know yourself

My friends are so distressed
And standing on
The brink of emptiness
No words... I know of to express
This emptiness

Chorus :

Imagine me taught by tragedy
Release is peace
I heard a little girl
And what she said
Was something beautiful
To give... your love
No matter what

Be yourself..

2006-05-11T10:17:00.000-05:00

I was at the supermarket yesterday and the cashier made up a word, morning-itis, which literally translates to "Inflamation of the morning". I chuckled to myself. I can admit that..

Well, I'm online at home now and taking complete control of my emotions and my life.
I probably owe AG II a commission check for helping me start this blog. =)

This song comes across as almost sarcastic if you merely read the lyrics, but with Rage against the machine playing and Chris Cornell singing, it comes alive--enjoy!

Artist: Audioslave -- Song: Be Yourself

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

Yeahhh...

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Heyyyy...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
Heyyyy...
Be yourself is all that you can do

Even when you've paid enough
Been put upon or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of LUCK
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
Â¨
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do

Ohhhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do, heeey...
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can do

Gaining control of my life, so people stop thinking I'm a loser

2006-05-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

"Electronic memories seeking manifest destiny"
..............................................
Spiritual spring cleaning w/ immense curiosity
Singular signal dominating associations freeze
Nonchalant gatherings intuitions charging fees
Solaced hawks ruffle brush for nests of enmity
Blue drops transparent tunnels drinking wounds
From consciousness a sorceror's presence looms
Clinging intervals memorize keepsake sentences
Idiot savant greatly unsponsored & mentor-less
Clearly the core of being often misinterpreted
Self disenchanted w/ trades necklace of chance
Deadlines densely shrink wrap of sense expands
Nook displacement ushering fleeting novel hand
Feelings subjugating the network of insurgents
True genius turns an egg & ponders retribution
"Vengeance is mine" revoke subliminal infusion
Concluding paragraphs begging for a transition
What need have creation & production of battle
One stares at coil another listening to rattle
Secluded aftermath sweating out death decision
Ancient pits steaming an unnatural will to die
Nocturnal acquisition paints the arbitrary sky
Dissonant colors find emotion's receptive eyes

shallow waters of eternal wisdom "episode three"

2006-05-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

"One man's prosperity is another's apathy."
Way I see it, anyhow.

Mixing proteins and metaphors

2006-05-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

"Marginal displacement & the unwavering balance of edification"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Subtle animations beneath awareness disentangling an appearance
Structures too unfocused dispensable for materialized existence
Extricated diagrams useful solely for specialized minds' bodies
Ethereal visions of reactionary hatred interdimentional commute
Shaking and quivering at the sub-cellular "spark of God" levels
Belief refusal herb tea vessel unravels knowledge base upheaval
Perturbed cataclysm builds potential vigor across silvery halls
Dislodged it resonates into the heart of fast undying sacrifice
Hindu cognizance concluding coiled spirals give morose delusion
Interpersonal relations mistakenly caving in on stifling brooks
Dreams answering sweet reflections drink fermented pleasantries
Nettling in the acid of doubt wheezing for all things garrulous
Heckling doth not henpecking abate so gawk at boundaries in awe
Deep fried corn & turkey mandatory meetings on greased chickens
Watering mouths apathetically accept whatever graces the plates
Birddogs stalk stun and trap an ill-fated artist Turkish Delite
This berth this place of worship of genuine form a post heeding
Bleeding eyes glass soaked smiles delegating a needed awakening
Yellow butterfly seeming heartless an underdeveloped aspiration
Scraping wind with pretty wings bouncing like a wheel on a curb
Fatalistic affections flying dubiously toward fantastic symbols
Innate enthusiasm captures only in means which can be perceived
That is to say we've linked and looped anything we could demand

Stellen Sie Embrtyonic Empfängnis auf

2006-05-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

"faint corridors of post embryonic conception"

Narrow recollections urging a character attack

Do-in futilities staring at the passing vanity

Screaming cougar of justice aims its vibration

Traveled are the days of $30 hookers and tires

$4 steak soft porn stimulant hostess on skates

Readily available 10% offering oh give or take

External authority medium rare please w/ Cokes

No thank YOU the heart attack's all mine there

Soap box derby rationalizing trouble justifier

1 leg minus 2 factoring imaginary numbers here

Handicapped distraction filtering a compassion

Inadvertant mainframe linking past known terms

Intimate waves cleaving an edifice of reliance

Cathartic conscience dancing for souring faces

Osteopathic manipulations of a universal spine

Affirmations hip to be square & sweet pop tart

College facilities evacuating the golden rooms

Mozart sighs a baby relaxes feeling his breath

I figured it out

2006-05-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

circa February 14th

2006-05-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

courtesy of DaveAttell.com and Liquid Wisdom..

Valentine's Day is here. If you're in a relationship, stop reading right now. This is for single people, of which I am one. Being alone on Valentine's Day is like being a vegetarian on Thanksgiving: Everyone is gorging themselves while you sit there playing with your peas. You can hardly swallow, and if you could you probably wouldn't be alone. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
The road to love is a long and treacherous one, paved with skanky chicks and the occasional she-male. You went out to countless bars, hoping to meet her. You bought hundreds of shots with names like Slow Comfortable Screw, Sex on the Beach and Sex in the Backseat of My Car, only to have them thrown in your face. Or you sat at home in your underwear, cruising the Internet, looking for someone to connect with. Someone to whom you would finally get a chance to say those three magic words: "Are you 18?"
So you don't have a date. At least you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, candy and romantic meals. (Red Lobster is, in fact, romantic -- if you lose the bib.) And the worst thing is that even when you do all of that, you can't just go home and have sex. You have to take a long walk or freeze your ass off in a horsedrawn carriage. (Actually, is that romantic or Amish? I'm not quite sure.) And you're still not done. When you get home, it's "back-rub time," and you'd better pray that Waiting to Exhale isn't on cable. By the time your lady is ready, your face is windburned and your hands have formed into claws. You look like the special you ate at Red Lobster three hours ago.
But eventually you do get to have sex. Or should I say "make love"? There's a big difference. Sex is what single folk do. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime: at work, at school, at church or in the bathroom on the bus on the way back from all three. It's fun, quick and usually leads to a walk-in clinic appointment a couple of days later. Making love, on the other hand, involves hand-holding, eye contact and emotion. Sure, some times you might "spice it up" a bit with sex toys or whips or something, but after they play Ass Rodeo or Naughty School Girl and Naked Janitor with the Magic Vibrating Mop, lovers don't have to get dressed, take their wallet out of their shoe and get a cab
Trying to hook up on Valentine's Day is impossible. I never have, but I always seem to score on President's Day. I guess 'cause when I'm drunk I look like Martin Van Buren. If you see single women hanging out together on Valentine's Day, believe me, they do not want to talk to you. They are content drinking tequila and blathering about how much men suck. Steer clear unless you want a trip to Pepper Spray Land.
Now, just 'cause you're alone doesn't mean you can't have some kind of romantic night -- you just have to get creative. Here are a few ideas that have helped me through many a lonely Valentine's Day: Rent a limo and go to your ex-girlfriend's house. Park in the driveway and masturbate. On the way back, hit a drivethrough -- Taco Bell is good -- and get a whole big bag of food and build a woman. Go home and take erotic photos with your dog. Just set up the camera and spread peanut butter on your shorts, and before you know it, your dog is Paris Hilton. Or get a wheelbarrow and take all of your porn movies out for a walk. Or put on a wig and high heels and get a colonoscopy. Tell the doctor to take his time, then close your eyes and dream. Happy Valentine's Day.
- Dave Attell

Figments of my extrapolation

2006-04-30T10:49:00.000-05:00

The baby Jesus came to me in a dream and spoke these words. Really, he did. All right, you got me..I actually thought of them. I was trying to be facetious and blasphemous all in one shot. I did type them from my bedroom, though. That much is true. Well, without further congressional debate..

"Sal is grim, the guilt projector, the obscene gesture"
Mid afternoon non sequitur biting with hands that grate
Vital essence walking home alone to open door ultimatum
Clean eyes alluding fantasies from yesterday's business
Staring blankly past auras wrapping haste on meditation
Virtual basics on human consciousness arbitrarily tried
..---------------------------------------------------..
Nerves of steel conducive to ending electric rendezvous

"Sal is grim, the guilt projector, the obscene gesture"
Mutual reciprocation placing urgency on places "within"
Succored self esteem patting shoulders of pallid graces
Egos caressed smeered backs with lotions of cool stigma
Sun drenched goggles filter and pollute an innocent sky
Hilarity ensues brick hits gravity metaphorically drawn
...-------------------------------------------------...
Young boy high fives God blasphemy a perspective affair

"Sal is grim, the guilt projector, the obscene gesture"
Scott or Dale promising a cold blooded Jamaican assault
Objectivity dining with old ancestors of fear and pride
Swords pulling themselves from a collective unconscious
Antiquated beliefs resting their feet on swollen breast
Once blessed verbal fusion drinks from a corpse's mouth
-----.............................................-----
Subjective integration readies table so please sit down

Who let the doggs out..

2006-04-29T11:26:00.000-05:00

Someone offered me a ride today as I was beginning my walk. I declined on the premise that I enjoy walking. Then I was rewarded in my integrity and greeted by three horses that walked right up to the fence as I walked down my favorite road. Two of them actually let me touch them. I was also greeted by a potentially dangerous german sheppherd right before that..it wasn't wagging it's tail but it played it cool.

Then the most bizarre thing happened..As a kid, I had a dog named Sergeant that was part hound dog. So an old dog came up to me [part hound dog] and followed me down the road. Then another dog that reminded me of my last dog, Softee. They both followed me down the road for over a mile. They listened to me when I told them which side of the road to be on when a car came. I wondered if both dogs were reincarnations of my two dogs that had to be put to sleep..

The hound dog left me at a farm, but the bigger dog stayed with me, and I was worried that she'd follow me to the highway, but there was an open house auction with dozens of people along the way, and she happily went there mingling to find a new home. Neither dog had a collar. I'm glad I guided her where she needed to be. Maybe it's the principle of non-action that I follow--the undercurrent of my thinking. Who knows?

I saw a deer two days ago also, that was rare. It's the first one I've seen in my six months here. A couple nights ago, a mountain lion was heard right outside our door (we live in front of a valley). I wouldn't want o tangle with one of those fellers, oh no..

Courtesy of my friend Angelo Mike

2006-04-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

Greatest stereotype ever
This link has been brought to you by Snyder's of Hanover Pertzel snacks and the number 12.

My new poetry jawn, yo. Wrought with imagery and junk..

2006-04-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

"Deletable"
Whole health tattoos catalog native exchange
Failure dejecting outer layers warm blankets
Human consciousness & begotten sensitivities
Deeper meaning blindsiding today's hindsight
Telephone pole ending lives of communication
Born again & losing sacred grounds of coffee
Wind & whims winning weening relived expense
Elasticity snapping reality rabbit is pacing
Clear minded toward an old wound insinuation
Bill S. and the equilibriums of expectations
Hesitant font engorged after lazy dissonance
Contextual abstracting of green silent teeth
Full circling spirituality of my linear mind
Urgently hopelessly despondent w/ lost wheel
Nature healing energetic exchange simplicity
Sadness longing distancing inner tête-à-tête

"Subtle Deviation"

2006-04-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

I've been reading this book the past few days and I've decided to make some slight changes in my life. I don't agree with everything in the book, but, then, the authors don't recommend following any advice blindly.It's all about living a more natural life and discovering your consciousness. It will take some self-discipline, but I am working some new ideals and techniques out. For one thing, I am going to drink somewhat less. Obviously when I walk and/or sweat profusiely, I will drink a little extra, but it seems I was drinking as much as a rabid meat eater would need to drink.I'm also cutting all white flour and sugar out of my diet. I was pretty much at that stage anyway, but little things like turbinado sugar in the banana chips were probably messing me up. I switched over to wheat germ and oat bran to compensate for the lack of bread/noodles. I bought some sweet & white potatoes and a few other vegetables like asparagus and red cabbage.Also, I'm doing a fruit fast on the weekends to clean myself out. Nothing too fancy, just apples and raisins.I'm also do a few little things beyond my diet as well. But I understand the attention span of most blog readers..so I will move on.I'd like to study shiatsu formally and learn macrobiotic cooking. Shiatsu is a very powerful and integrated way for patients to heal themselves. Working from home would definitely give me the time and freedom to start my own practice somewhere--not to mention providing some business experience. Speaking of which, Bookland at the local mall here has an excellent business section. I definitely don't mind paying for books that will enhance my future.I read an interesting thing yesterday about change in a book called Integrity, by Dr. Henry Cloud. He talked about change requiring doing things that you are unable to do. That really hit home. I just love books that teach me about change and growth. I'm really bad at growing. I'm pretty good at learning, though. And I'm willing. I guess some persistence will pay off in dividends for me. It doesn't really matter much what happens around me, or what issues other people are willing/unwilling to face. How can they ultimately affect me negavtively, when I am focused on my self and my growth and my healing?

Happy Shakespeare's Birthday

2006-04-23T21:13:00.000-05:00

He also died on the same day..

"Random Updates that may not apply to your whim as they did mine"

2006-04-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

I read in Stuff magazine that This show's finally made it to DVD release. In a word: awesome.

I've decided when I get rich I am going to find Dave Attell and follow him around the country for a while. I wanna drive across the country anyway. Why not hang out with the wittiest guy on Television? You know?

Shallow Waters of Eternal Wisdom--Episode 2

2006-04-19T15:18:00.000-05:00

If you're on Food Stamps and you develop an eating disorder, can you sue the Gubment?

Shallow Waters of Eternal Wisdom--Episode 1

2006-04-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or is NASCAR a tad homo-erotic?

This message has been brought to you by Pal's Sudden service

The bottle is ready to blow..

2006-04-17T14:27:00.000-05:00

My heart feels like it weighs a million pounds today. Maybe it's just that my future looks so dim, and "my only romantic relationship ever" ended, and it's finally hitting me.

I slept twleve hours, and I'm ready to do it again.. I think I should force myself to walk today. Maybe one of these cokeheads that likes to drive around in his sports car will run me over..that would be cool.

Here's a poem:

"What this soul's thinking when it envisions"

Legend seeping through pores & mind nervously

Fidgeting and absorption casting chapel light

Domino effect residual inner channels of love

Insight for realty dimming shadows of fantasy

Crystal dimensions imprison darkness verbally

Visual sensations synaptically enhancing self

Snapping puzzle pieces of misery into a shelf

Books peeling essences from walls customarily

Inmost feelings resonating shamanistic intent

Harmless notions metaphorically categorize it

Legal eyes reference early symbol integration

Moment trumping deferral of a solemn geometry

Dialectical tragedy aside forms taking stride

Remarkable futility marking the common wealth

Partisan ramblings discernment paints thinner

Allegorical allegiance tar feather & overlook

Exploited reasoning dissidently jerk seasoned

Keep on keeping on & most certainly believing

The value of life precipitates most vibrantly

Spiritual connections streaming most mightily

First lines internal rhyme revenues dividends

Within rhythm erudite apprehension commencing

Hastily enlightenment advances mindfully home

« être pauvre est un état d'esprit »

2006-04-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

10:18 PM 4/12/06 « L'arrêt les appelant vos fusils ! »
I was ready this book called, how to change anyone. It's about getting people to treat you better by being nice and practicing reverse psychology. Occasionally the book suggests fighting fire with lighter fluid. Like, one of the techniques is using passive aggressive behavior, for example.So I was making garlic bread tonight with this big giant tupperware container. I would put some oil in it and mix it with sea salt and garil powder. Then I would dip one side of the bread and stick it in the oven. It just struck me as funny putting the empty tupperware container in the frig because it is a planned attack of passive aggression. It's funny because it's so ridiculously stupid and harmless. It's even funnier somehow how planning it, to me, seems absurd. I also put my shoes and socks on the floor right in the middle of the kitchen.Doug [my roommate, if you haven't read that far into my journal(shame on you if that's the case)] does that kind of passive aggressive nonsense all day every day. It [fighting fire with lighter fluid] isn't an act of revenge as much as it is an amusing mental exercise. It's like consciously playing the role of someone's unconscious mind. It becomes a new matter of perspective, and hence, equilibrium.I'm just bringing some of the stuff from the back to the front of my head.

It's boring, but it's my life.Oh, and then later on I had set the alarm for my sound therapy session and I decided to go sleep outside and forgot that it would go off and Doug would have to go into the next room and shut it off.I thought of it a few minutes before it went off, but I was too cozy on the picnic table. (=

So, I've made my peace with Richard. I weighed the options of becoming his friend or killing him, and decided being his friend wouldn't be so bad. I discovered that he thinks I used to work in an institution and I locked people away. And, since he was thrown in an institution for 37 years..that's why he treated me so poorly and felt animosity towards me. "I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation for what was going on"..And it turns out the genius doctors told him to drink milk for his emphysema and acid reflux. Milk, yes, which messes up your blood's pH and turns directly into mucus. Richard seemed grateful that soemone was honest with him about his physical ailments. It's also nice to have someone to listen to your problems once in a while.I assured Richard that I've never locked anyone away or been locked away. I've been through other bad stuff, but not jail or a mental institution. He said someone tried to kill him as a baby and then he had a nervous breakdown at about age 22. He's just happy to have an apartment and a couple dogs..I feel bad that our negative emotions ever had to mingle and clash. Amazing how that can happen with those we can learn from the most.

Jesus didn't teach about being nice to the lowliest people because it's moral. He said it because it's practical. Most of what he talked about was that way. He just wanted unconscious people to have the freedom to be conscious. God becoming man is a metaphor for man becoming conscious. His death represents the harsh transition due to nature's resistance to change.Back to the book I was reading--How to Change Anyone: It's a book that blew me away totally. I understand every word of what he's saying because I see people actions and motives clearly every day. But knowing psychology eventually must involve action applications of tools and techniques. Otherwise you end up theorizing about nothing and affecting the world only in as much as you stay the same.If you think about it, conflict is usually a call to change something that is wrong. You get a cold because your body is cleansing itself. Someone says something to you you don't like and it's really some kind of cry for help. You have a nightmare but it's really just a mental warning or a physiological disturbance or both. Or a nightmare could represent fearing change itself.

I don't pretend to have all the answers..but lately I am able to visualize my emotions and words and understand people more clearly and openly. I can thank my sound therapy and the love I feel from my friends and family. It's all going to come together and form this really beautiful many dimensional puzzle soon, and I am going to be clear minded enough to see it. Emotions are the source of life. To rid ourselves of negative emotions we must embrace them and ourselves and face the crystal clarity of reality. Only when we do this can they dissolve and become one with our energy patterns in a useful way. One day I will write a book (as Lyndy suggested) about everything that's ever helped me.Until then I'm just gonna continue to walk thru mountains, drink tea, listen to music that enriches my spirit. I may dabble in mysogeny, I haven't decided yet. What's that? a joke Grenade......................? Study everything, because in anything you can find the answer..Breathe thru your left nostril and consult your right brain when you need help..Your right brain is the source of all knowledge that comnes into your senses..Imagine electricity flowing in through the negative terminal of a battery. And it flows out of you through the postiviely charged, reasoning left brain. Into you body your energy flows in through your left hand and out of your right hand. You see now why the right brain controls the left side and vice versa. Our bodies run on electromagnetic energy. We are affected by noise, sound, radar, microwaves, televisions. There are devices that mimic the earth's EMF (8 Hz) and make you immune to all electrical devices that would disturb your body's natural balance. Superlearning 2000..Read it. You make it in the 21st century without it for much longer.

A journal essay I threw together today..Sorry, no pics

2006-04-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

I bonded with one of my neighbors today. Her name is Mona. She moved here because people were smoking things out of aluminum cans outside her last apt. Unfortunately she lives next to Richard--the creepy old man who's catch phrase is: "The Devil is a man, and he has hands. You didn't know that did you?" Anyway I talked to her for a long time. I haven't bonded with an offline human being in months. (Ones that I didn't already know, I mean). It was like talking to an old friend. Mona is great. She raises guinea pigs and has even written a book on the subject and sold it. She has money, so I gave her a book on how to deal in real estate.

Mona has had a really rough life, yet is somehow upbeat. She's an orphan and her husband of 25 years and daughter and daughter's husband died in a car crash last year on April 17. She was hospitalized for several months. She broke many bones in her body and has a rod in her spine. Like me, she walks many miles to pass the time and clear her mind & senses.

Thankfully, I feel no romantic connection with her-- as that would cause horrible problems for me that I can't even go into at this moment. Richard and James (the creepy 250 lb. caretaker w/ the squeaky voice) do [have romantic feelings for her], though; James dumped his GF and offered for her to go for a drive with him the other day. Mona wisely scoffed and said no thanks. She humors these people because she is wise. Richard is a schizophrenic who stopped taking his anti-psychotic med's for whatever reasons. He gets real excited when he talks to her and he dressed up today. I really hate Richard with all my heart, so I feel no qualms about painting him as a pathetic worthless human being on my personal internet blog for all the world who doesn't know him to see. (I have my reasons, and they are quite valid.)

Back to Mona..it seems she is taking the same sound therapy CD's that I am. The injury to her brain was so severe (they actually had to lift her brain during surgery) that she gets incredible migraines and all her senses are temporarily magnified (especially smell). The CD's are incredibly helpful to her. Them, and sitting in a dark silent room when the attacks hit, are how she survives.

Amazingly, Mona is incredibly reasonable, understanding, and healthy minded after everything she's been through. She's constantly learning and growing and she has a capacity to love at a level I've rarely seen. My other cat, Avaril, who's usually anti-social came over and sat beneath us on our bench and purred like I haven't heard her purr in a long time. She also played with my foot and a stick for a while. Avaril is a Beautiful white/peach colored cat who's going on two years old.

So I told Mona about the secret magical road into town..It's filled with mountain landscapes rather than ditches and SUV's and four lane highways. I've figured out all the secrets to living in Tennessee (or anywhere) as a pedestrian.

1. Wear earplugs on the highways to protect from noise polution. 2. Take big strides. 3. Never walk on sidewalks if you can help it. (Even asphalt absorbs shock much netter than concrete). 4. Always make eye contact and gesture when walking in front of a car that pulling onto a road. 5. When walking on a road with no shoulder--always walk against the flow of traffic (cars love to honk nand scare the shit out of you as they are passing--very much more angering than you can imagine) 6. Walk at a brisk pace always; never drag along. Tennessee isn't a real pedestrian friendly place--until you make it one.

Control..that's the secret to life. Take control of yourself and your life. Cause there's whole flocks of belligerents out there that will be more than happy to make you miserable like them if you don't. Not many people have the courage to control themselves, and hence, try to project their problems onto you or someone like you..Sorry I have philosphical Tourette's syndrome. Excuse me. A spin-off of my autism, I reckon. Yee-ha!

Rampant unnecessary suffering, etc..

2006-04-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

"In Hong Kong neurosurgeon Dr. H.L. Wen was using electroacupuncture as anesthesia for brain surgery when he suddenly discovered that patients who were heroin addicts recovered completely from drug addiction with no withdrawal symptoms...By 1973 Dr. Wen had cured 140 heroin addicts."

Palm Sunday Picture

2006-04-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

Inner "ear" conflict

2006-04-08T14:52:00.000-05:00

I've been listening the EASe CD this week for my sound sensitivty.. something I've suffered with for far too long (25 years). I'm not going to go into the details of my physical head trauma. I'd rather focus on the solution than the problem. The solution being--as usual--modern technology. Can I get a "yay modern technology!"? Probably not..
Anyway, EASe stands fro Electronic Auditory Stimulation effect..Here's an excerpt from the Inside of the CD cover:

"Some children, because of a brain injury either bfore, during, or after birth, are unable to cope with the range of sound volume that average people take for granted. These children become ultra-sensitive to sounds, even low volume sounds. When these children are 18 months and younger, they exhibit startle reflexes to a vacuum cleaner in the next room or many other normal acoustic events. By the time they reach four or five years old, some of these children appear deaf, and have developed defense mechanisms to protect them from unbearable noise. However, their auditory defensiveness is not proper habituation. It is a global "shutdown" that isolates them from the world and prevents them from acquiring language. Other individuals can become ultra-sensitive to sound at any age for many other reasons. It has been speculated that as many as 20 % of the general population is over or ultra-sensitive to common noise.
The EASe compact disc series is a music product that is easy to use in the home by parents, employing the simplest of tools such as a portable CD player and high quality headphones. The EASe discs contain music that has been modified by a filtering system that removes the removes the upper frequencies for the majority of the listening time (creating a soft, somewhat muddy sound) and then randomly and transiently boosts the high frequencies to much higher than normal levels. This transient auditory stimulation has the effect of stimulating (and in doing so, helping to organize) the auditory areas of the brain, but because it is short in duration, does not elicit a defensive response. Eventually, the listener acclimates to the presence of sound and is able to perceive it more normally."
I developed my problem at age six. Therefore I can speak pretty normally. I very much prefer writing and the internet to normal human interaction, though. One of the many things about myself I am in the process of changing. In my research and experience, I've found that one's voice is critical to memory & self-image. I'm happy for this opportunity to heal finally. Hearing and emotions are intimately connected on a psychological and phyisiological level. I'm tired of either having to hold in my emotions or being an emotional wreck around those I care about.
I come to the internet to be rational and to make friends, but I'm tired of it being the only way. I'd like to have as many resources, options, and avenues as possible to be a healthy, happy person. I'm tired of distancing myself (albeit mostly unconsciously) from the external world.
Relatively speaking, this CD is a really cheap way to heal if you have this problem. It works really well on kids with other learning disabilities such as dyslexia and ADD/ADHD. If you know anyone who has kids with any of these problems..please give them this website: http://vision-audio.com, and tell them about the book Superlearning 2000. It's a crime that every person with a kid with autism isn't immediately told about this technology..
I told my mom to tell her neighbor about this. Her son, Robert, takes medicine for ADHD. He's only like eleven. What if a $59 CD (probably less than the price of his monthly medicine) could change his life. I know Robert pretty well. He used to make me take him fishing to the river when I lived in NJ. He's a pretty right brained guy. He thinks visually, but his reading skills are lacking (left brained activity). On his current path (of medication and being yelled at for being hyper) he will probably be a mechanic or a musician. He may be a fisherman like his dad. His step dad is a bass player in a local band. I'd just be sad thinking he's going through life with only his current options.
I hate seeing wasted potential..because I've watched so much of it pass me by in my own life. I'm fighting for the right to wealth and happiness. As always, the fight is 50% with Myself..and that's the fight I'm mostly focused on. But it isnt a fight at all really..It's mostly a process of coming to terms with who I am am. Self-love--moonbeam.

I walked six miles to bring this to you..

2006-04-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

It is not by the amount that giving is productive of reward but rather by the generous impulse behind it. Therefore even so little as a handful of rice flour given with a pure heart becomes something that will bring great reward.

-Vimana Vatthu

Say it ain't so..though it makes sense

2006-04-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

weezer -
the world has turned and left me here

the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place an empty space

has filled the void behind my face
i just made love with your sweet memory
one thousand times in my head

you said you loved it more than ever
you said you remain turned away

turning further every day
the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face
i talked for hours to your wallet photograph
and you just listened

you laughed enchanted by intellect
or maybe you didn't
you remain turned away
turning further every day
the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place an empty space

has filled the void behind my face
you remain, turned away

turning further every day
the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place, an empty space

has filled the void behind my face
do you believe what i sing now?
do you believe what i sing now?
do you believe?
do you believe what i sing now?
do you believe what i sing now?
do you believe?

Forms and Such

2006-04-05T13:35:00.001-05:00

Hara celebration ritualized resignation
Split cold hair of sculpted indignation
Smiles wiped away like sweat after love
Contrast picks away at having enough of
Meaningless moments mount and take time
Sublinear ideas extract future's rewind
Exercise stretches to distract or climb
Myriad of affection looks toward wealth
Chess marks the bounty of mental health
Awe encompasses master awareness theory
Arthur improbably loses a major hearing
Homage diction exacerbates clear speech
Inverted wordplay introverts like leech
Qi diamond rises invisibly & disappears
Mystic glorified death infuriated fears
Energy configurations sampled squelched
Swords memory & flesh inevitably melted
Wild dreams visions most lonely affairs
Circulation solemn wishes reverse dares
Wasted time's mighty unknown revelation
Full circle columns remark's hesitation

Being

2006-04-04T17:05:00.000-05:00

(= I got my sound therapy audio CD in the mail today. Interesting stuff. My life has taken an immense turn for the better in the past day. My spirit, my health and my finances are being actualized. I am recreating the world from an internally based purpose/foundation. That's all I can say at the presnt moment. =)

The day Weezer hits home, and much, much, more..

2006-04-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

"No One Else"

My girl's got a big mouth

With which she blabbers a lot.

She laughs at most everythin'

Whether it's funny or not.

And if you see her

Tell her it's over now.

[chorus]

I want a girl who will laugh for no one else.

When I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf.

When I'm away she never leaves the house.

I want a girl who laughs for no one else.

My girl's got eyeballs

In the back of her head.

She looks around and around.

You know it makes me sad to see her like that.

Please don't believe her.

She says that for anyone.

And if you see her tell her it's a lie.

[chorus]

And if you see her tell her it's over now.

And if you watch her go...

and if you watch her go...

Watch her, watch her, watch her, watch her!

[chorus]

No one else. Yeah.

Ginkgo Biloba Tree

2006-03-30T17:23:00.000-05:00

The only living to survive Hiroshima's nuclear blast..

and now: the majesty of song..
Artist: Incubus Album: S.C.I.E.N.C.E.Year: 1997

Title: A Certain Shade Of Green
A certain shade of green, Tell me, is that what you need? All signs around say move ahead. Could someone please explain to me Your ever present lack of speed? Are your muscles bound by ropes? Or do crutches cloud your day? My sources say the road is clear, And street signs point the way. Chorus: Are you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.? What are you waiting for, a certain shade of green? I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate. What are you waiting for, a certain shade of green? Would a written invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation? Or inflame and make you stall? You've been raised in limitation, But that glove never fit quite right. The time has passed for hand-me-downs, Choose anew, please evolve, take flight. Chorus What are you waiting for? A written invitation? A public declaration? A private consolation? Chorus What are you waiting for ? (until the end)

Can't fight the feeling

2006-03-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

Man, I have been on the verge of nausea all day. I tried taking a nap, but it wouldn't happen.
I cleaned last night and had all these cool ideas about setting my life in motion, but I feel too sick. The apt. used to look like a crack house..then I fixed it in about 2 1/2 hours.
In a funnier note the toilet seat flew off as I was standing on it to change a lightbulb. Yes, I busted my ass, but I and the toilet seat are fine.
I've managed to be on the computer for a couple hours, but I'm too out of it to be productive.
But at least I had an emotional breakthough while writing a letter.
In other news,
~an OKCupid test says that I am ****able.
I've completely lost my ability to conceptualize--hoping it's temporary..
*almost falls asleep at computer*

Caption: "Look mom, no future!"

2006-03-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

Spring Break 2006

After waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting..my 1st issue of Maxim has arrived..and it's the 100th issue. Might be even better than usual. Wish me luck!

AngryGnome to the rescue!

2006-03-27T15:50:00.000-05:00

...Because you were experiencing technical difficulties.

How many roads must a man walk down..?

2006-03-27T13:49:00.001-05:00

I've just read Douglas Adams' Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.. I will be posting a review of this first of a five part trilogy in the next few (inject appropriate block of time here).
I haven't seen the movie yet, and I am afraid to now..because it always ruins the movie to read the book first..
It's a formula I have yet to patent/copyright:
Book, then movie--I thought it would be Groovy
Movie, then book--Like listening to a relaxing brook
It's like the "liquor, then beer (& vice versa)" saying only better, because I just made this one up five minutes ago. (although I have had the concept formed for many years)
I'm gonna try one more time to post a pic of the book then either move on or give up. So, wish me luck posting this pic..if you see it--that means it worked.

Click me if you are Sassy..

2006-03-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

Post Mordem Philanthropy

2006-03-25T21:52:00.000-05:00

Dedicated to my dear friend Jonathan Leonardo Pantalione

who died in 2003

(during a blizzard that melted into rain for the funeral)

Extinguishing Cancer's Essence by Me
Government conspiracy to a confession about heroin

was it the infliction or the antitdote?
I missed 40 people trippin in the basement got there 7 days late
like years later in an elegy I wrote
Distant memories of 8 balls
"Hey Rocky save some for the sequel."
Just like the commercial...
you never changed among friends ...
with or w/out laughter we didn't lose interest
Followed each other from late night diners to Baltimore
A.C. to the Appalachians
When dark dudes followed with hands in pants
we did the honorable thing and took off runnin
Guess skewed energy levels attract hoodlums
our musical experiments refined coulda been $$$$$
When it came to musical arrangement you were genius and saint
you brought me to my core
Found creativity many years before me w/out quite actualizin what you thought it should be for
Maybe this partially explains the schizophrenic curiosity peeking ball of blue to some degree
Portal people from NYC sought you we exracted your name but never pinpointed any tangible prophecy
Clairvoyance brings the voices post mordem into the cavern of otherwordly artifacts
A dark chi wizard (AKA necromancer) warned me that my heart would be into an empty Frito bag
It's like I've previously stated simply bypass fiction when you need to something crazier
Years later they were examining [an abstract collage] as if its creator was their savior
I honed in on them w/ emphatic accuracy
it wasn't for five minutes what their focus could dodge
Your death was an unnecessary conclusion to seemingly incomprehensible fragments of your self dislodged
What to them was artistic Mecca.. was it your scribbling infection..
a conscious reflection
That place [an f'd up one indeed] left me like last words : "Peace Bro" staring at an unlikely resurrection
**feelings of retribution swell in me like pride**
Cancer is a plague created by man and is worth hatin
yet all I have is a metaphysical explanation
In Chinese Medicology lungs are associated with grief..
Oh God.. listen to the homeopathic ovation
Whatever you did to exasperate your condition I forgive you /
what would jusify me being livid?
During the time you were chosen to go my self-esteem and patience were a befuddled & stupid senate
While you were betrothed to living with those you didn't know in analogous winds of animosity
My apathy towards the situations presented was steadily growing in bothersome atrocity
In many ways though I was deeply learning frustrated yet patiently in meditative yearning
I wasn't yet graduated to a place where I could explain it drawing it to myself internal
God if I'd only had half the incorporation of words then as I magically produce now
Factory windows in the erie bliss of winter would open and shutter at the likes of our dual sound
.
As I gravitate naturally to the willing gates of evanescently enlightened intensity,

I'll endeavor to erase from any nearby minds these lines that have no further need of editing
I foresee temporarily (in the scope of eternity) an abstract separation of this world from it's existence
May it please the listener to insist on penetratin past the levels of understandin this..
As something to perceive as cataclysmic instead see the model as is if you get my intrinsic gist
With swift precision I'll snatch up Earth's people by the napes of their subjective indifferences
Those I've carefully chosen will stay w/ me w/out being as paralyzed as their macro-racial acquaintences
Then I'll extract with great surgeon's expertise the stronghold of cancer and its psychological need,
From every man woman or child that has or hasn't ever believed in the eradication of disease
The factory sold is manufactured control taking names straight from the former state of aging
It may take every last particle of energy to escape from this pseudal spacial engagement
Last moment in time I'll ever be so drained that I can muster only cliche saying "I'll be back"
But I'll just rest rehearse start to verse after I've stepped once again into this universe I'll enact,
A new code of ethics using physics into the very nature of chaos and disorder one malady after another
And if the people of the future had no tact they'd reflect upon such death as a joke cause they no longer suffer

Into the rabbit hole--Follow the symbols..

2006-03-24T08:22:00.000-05:00

courtesy of dreammoods

Alligator

To see an alligator in your dream, symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. It may also represent your ability to move between the material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the unconscious. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities.

Sword

To dream that you are wielding a sword, represents your ambition, competitive nature decisiveness and will power.. You seek to hold a position of prestige, authority, and distinction. Alternatively, the sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power.

Docks

To dream that you are on the docks, suggests that you have successfully gotten through some tough times and emotions.

Pond

To see a pond in your dream, represents tranquility and desire for more quiet time to yourself. It is a time to reflect on your situation and what is going on in your life. Alternatively, it suggests that you keep your feelings contained and in check. You are experiencing an emotional calm in your life.

Swimming

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.

Now--I generally hold to the belief that to remember dreams is utterly useless..However--that's a general rule..Sometimes dreams come to our consciousness for a reason. My brother once laid a guilt trip on me for his dream about me killing our parents. Well, Dave had you analyzed the symbols, you would've surmised that A) all characters are you B) Murder represents killing off your old beliefs. The dream came at a time when he was constantly at odds with our parents himself--hmm.. the people who helped establish your beliefs in life. Screw you Dave for the guilt trip. You couldn't consciously dream of killing them yourself, because you're religious and that would make you think you are a bad person.

So, in conclusion--I am the alligator..though I refused to swim in the dream and went to get swords to kill the alligators..So, I probably have some old beliefs integrated in my subconscious mind with the concepts presented in the alligator symbol. Things to ponder. Also, it seems I am holding onto the notion that to move forward financially is to betray my emotional self and all the work I have put into finding myself..Basically, I think my ambition (sword) is killing my healling/emotions (alligator/water)..there could be numerous other interpretations and reasons why I dreamed this..but I think it's only natural to focus on this & move on.

Idiot's Guide to Self

2006-03-23T13:18:00.000-05:00

{this post was meant to have an image but it's not in the proverbial cards}

I was discussing some of my more bizarre thoughts to my good friend last night and she suggested creating a "Dummy's guide to John"..Oft have I indulged this wonderful concept to myself..
My philosphies are pretty easy to grasp and pretty hard to explain because of their wide scope nature and peculiar contextual arangements. It's time I start jotting down a few chapters and conceptualizing..
I'm re-organizing my screenplay from January on RT 1 (from my links aisle)..I'll send a specific link in a post on this blog when it's done..should be a helpful exercise..

I just got back from driving to Knoxville and picking up the special cat food..Lots of cool ideas..I love driving..I can only imagine what my ideas would have been like if I wasn't so miserably tired.

Pathetic Musing that will hopefully be overlooked.

2006-03-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

I don't have very many friends..and I'm poor..Actually I only have two friends that are not online..and they are both kind of pains in the ass. Wow..I'm glad I got that out. Rejoice. And somehow I've ran out of memory to run basic operations on my Computer. Joy. I'm not one to usually complain..
Doug--roommate and friend of about twelve years..he has major issues that he refuses to face so I have resorted to spending little time with him. He drinks every day, and has resorted to doing coke and God knows what else. He wonders why I put the computer next door and don't talk to him anymore. I could write a book about my issues with this man that won't grow up.
Lisanne--A woman I could not interact with emotionally in a stable manner [regularly] until we reached friendship status. She's a unique character. I'm trying to help her heal from a lifetime of trauma as best I can.

Basically the common element is a barage of passive aggressive behavior pointed in my general direction. But I guess I need to change my resonance. Any suggestions?

Random axe of photography

2006-03-21T16:14:00.000-05:00

Well. Here's some info. more about america's largest home--The Biltmore Estate--and its designer Frederick Law Olmsted [surprised to have remembered that name from memory]

Biltmore Estate
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Biltmore House is the largest private home in the United States at 175,000 square feet. It is located outside Asheville, North Carolina. Design In the 1880s, George Vanderbilt, the fourth son of William Henry Vanderbilt, began to make regular visits to the Asheville, North Carolina, area with his mother..more..

Frederick Law Olmsted
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
oil painting by John Singer Sargent, 1895, Biltmore Estate, Asheville, North Carolina Frederick Law Olmsted (April 26, 1822 – August 28, 1903) was a United States landscape architect, famous for designing many well-known urban parks, including Central Park in New York City, the country's oldest coordinated system of public parks and parkways in Buffalo, New York, the country's oldest state park, the Niagara Reservation in Niagara Falls, New York, Mount Royal Park in Montreal, the Metropolitan Parks System in Boston, Massachusetts, Cherokee Park (and the entire parks and parkway system) in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as Jackson Park, Washington Park, Midway Plaisance in Chicago for the World's Columbian Exposition, and the landscape surrounding the United States Capitol building..more..

Anyway..I am going to be doing a favor for Lyndy in the next couple weeks. Only a few dozen miles away from where I live rests the famous Biltmore Estate. I shall be going there with my car that I'm about to fix and put on the road and the digital camera I am about to buy..

Asheville, NC..the place my rooommate originally wanted to move to but it was out of our price range at the time. Half the reason we moved to Morristown, TN is cost of living. It'll be about an 80 mile hike. They have a great indie movie theater there too. They sell imported beer.

Well, I got my business package today in the mail.. Kind of psyched about it.. It's really the break I've been waiting for--only the last few years. Was I ready? A little subliminal programming doesn't hurt..

I don't deal well with mysteries!

2006-03-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

I want to know what the damn secret is. I can't handle not knowing.

2006-03-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

Well, It's brisk, grey morning here in Morristown..But I took me a bath and all seems well.. But the real question is who the hell am I and what do I stand for on the "core issues"
Let's have a run down shall we?..In alphabetical order, yes:

Business--

Work for yourself--fulfill Zarathustra's destiny

Esoteria--

I know enough to be put to death about four times

Health--

I'm a nut, but I'm pretty quiet about it.

Learning--

Every skill is a matter of aptitude..so increase your efficiency and you're there.

The Mafia--

If they can't take a joke, screw 'em

Politics--

The double edged sword is about to strike the samurai

Philosophy--

There's really only about 3-5 books that most people need to read..

Romance--

I'm all for it. Cook dinner, light a few candles..stimulating conversation, etc... Hey now..

Spirituality--

Oh God..here's a hot topic..oh yeah, my stance--you'll figure it out. They didn't show me the way til after I found it.

"The Tao that has a name is not the real Tao"

"Pain is the result of unwillingness to change"--the Buddha

I'm currently exploring that last line on a subconscious level..That's where all the real electromagnets are when you are consciously willing to change and you keep sabotaging yourself anyway..the brain is set up in such a way that certain emotional responses are set to default as a matter of course..occasionally these switches need to be reset..so I'm doing autogenics and I ordered a subliminal program for the computer called Brain Bullet. You can set the speed, font, size color, contrast of your messages..Also, there's a list of phrases according to your personal needs ranging from speed reading to reading comprehension to making money, motivation, handling stress, making decisions, allergies, public speaking, lucid dreaming.
Interestingly, I've read that the major cause of stress itself is making decisions.. This makes it obvious why productive people who've found their passion are happier--their decisions flow quite naturally, and, subsequently, they are more effortlessly and assertively taking action..Also, public speaking is supposedly the second greatest fear next to that of death..but really, once you've spoken a couple times in public and you know your material thoroughly--it's not a big deal..
Lastly--in general--we identify ourselves through our voice..so I find this to be an important concept.Well, I'm hungry now
~later.

I live you with some trailers. Enjoy, pilgrim.
http://whatisthesecret.tv

The sound of one hand typing

2006-03-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

John is offline for a few weeks but I am sure he will be back lickety-split. If you cannot live without his sage words then you can go check out his Rotten Tomatoes blogs.

Esoteria followed by Johnny D--now you're "in the know"

2006-03-13T02:01:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere that its good to be well grounded in perceptual reality..
Concepts are fine..but they should not be from invisible places in my mind..

It takes quite a bit of honesty and effort to live & think this way..and I have a lot of emotions to work through and discover..If I'm ever to reach my potential and live the life I wanna live that is...

There have been times in my life where I could say other people were a hindrance (even the people I love), but at this point it's all me..

I'm at the end of a 2 year, 9 1/2 month relationship..we cared about each other, but the relationship brought me literally to the brink of death...(She moved here with me to TN and lives in the Apt. next door, and we fought really hard for months..it was pretty horrible at times)

It's going to take some doing to get back to where I need to be emotionally..Right now I'm pretty neutral about life and pretty generally depressed and unmotivated and I can't sleep right...

The therapist says I am being too cognative..I need to get in touch with my emotions..Great--sign me up..I feel incredibly unbalanced and my memory is crap..I could definitely use some right brain enhancement..I think that's why some men (such as myself) seek deeper relationships with women..because they are desperately trying to find that emotional part of themselves..

But maybe it's more my responsibility than I am realizing..
I'm all for romantic love..I don't care how many times I've been turned away by it..
My point is, though, that self-responsibility is a key ingredient to finding romantic love..
And eventually, you have to re-enter that state of childlike awareness..and apply rational/conceptual techniques to whatever you find..

For example.. I was at my parents house (on their porch) and I was talking to my ex (we were together at the time) about the length of life, then subsequently whether kids think that life is long or short..For some reason, my ex thought that they think life is very long..So I asked one of the neighbors' kids, Eva [age 3-4]..she thought about it for like a second and a half and said "short" then she ran to the field to play with her friends..Kids get everything they can out of life because they know what life is all about..they study it from the moment they wake up to the time they fall to sleep.

So, if I start becoming a philospher on this site and seem to be taking myself too seriously..it's not because I'm trying to be more adult..it's because I'm trying to get back to my childlike nature..Because if I ever get into another serious relationship again (which I do with all my heart)..I wanna be ready..Emotions can be life (productivity/learning/creativity) or they can be death (repression/misdirected anger/etc.).

Another John Denver song..yes.
This song was first released on the stonehaven sunrise album.
it is the only album it has been released on.
And So it goes

A mansion on a hill is a lovely sight to see
But like any other house it’s only temporary
Home is anywhere you choose to put your heart
If there’s no love inside, it will soon fall apart
Ashes to ashes, dust to dustBuildings will crumble,
bridges will rustMountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
You can drive around in a long limousine
If you don’t know where you’re going, it don’t mean a thing
He who’d walk a mile just to hold an empty hand
Knows what it means to be a wealthy man
Ashes to ashes, dust to dustPalaces will crumble, bridges will rust
Mountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
Worldly treasures will all pass away
There’s just one thing that was put here to stay
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Kingdoms will crumble, bridges will rust
Mountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
Words and music by paul overstreet and don schlitz

Confessions and the Like Part Deaux

2006-03-12T07:11:00.000-05:00

I am not willing to admit the question at this time but the answer is yes.

Having a lot of trouble sleeping..Started a new script.
It's about a guy and stuff..I have a few pages so far..I finally wrote down the idea that's been in my head as I walked home from the store over a week ago.

I'm thinking about switching the scene order of the last one before posting it all here.

Well..happy trails..I leave you with some John Denver

Bet On The Blues Lyrics
Artist: John Denver
Album: I Want To Live
Bet on the Blues (Paxton)Copyright 1975 Accabonac Music

Five hundred'll buy you a stack.

Bet it on the red or the black and you'll

lose, bet on the blues.You tell me you're

a gambling man.Try to beat the house if

you can and you lose, bet on the blues.

If you're looking to get an inside slant,

if you're looking for something so good

you can't refuse, bet on the blues.Find a

man who thinks he's over the hump, I'm

here to tell you he's a kind of a chump

you can use, bet on the blues, bet on

the blues.

Lucky old sun is shining today. Even

money says you'll be paying some dues,

bet on the blues.You say you found your

lady fair.Eight to five she's wearing her

traveling shoes, bet on the blues. Five

hundred'll buy you a stack. Bet it on the

red or the black and you'lllose, bet on the

blues.You tell me you're a gambling man.

Try to beat the house if you can and you

lose, bet on the blues. If you're looking to

get an inside slant, if you're looking for

something so good you can't refuse, bet on

the blues, bet on the blues, bet on the blues,

bet on the blues, bet on the blues.

No we won't give up the fight..

2006-03-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I just woke up disturbingly from a dream about poisonous snakes biting me in my back..I could literally feel my muscles clenching..I thought I was going to die...
I looked up the dream symobol at dreammoods.com--
"Snake-- To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
Usually I negate the things that don't apply..but here, I think there may not be any..."

"In this great future.. you can't forget your past.. so dry your tears" NWNC

Now..The snakes were poisonous snakes on top of the old wrestler Jake "the Snake" Roberts. I was supposed to light them on fire..but I didn't want to (because I was afraid of them)..so they started biting my back anyway.
"Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.
To dream of that you are being burned by fire, indicates that your temper is getting out of control. Some issue or situation is burning you up inside.
To dream that you put out a fire, signifies that you will overcome your obstacles in your life through much work and effort."

Now to combine symbols is tricky here. I didn't want to light the snakes on fire..this is understand as the sankes may represent a latent fear of some kind..and a powerful one at that. And the fire represent powerful positive emotions with a little anger thrown in here and there.

"Preacher man don't tell me..Heaven is over the Earth..I know you don't know what life is really worth..You see most people think Great God will come from the sky..take away everything..and make everybody feel high..But if you knew what life is worth..you would look for yours on Earth" Get up Stand up "Don't give up the fight"

Confessions and the Like..

2006-03-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

There's something y'all should know about me..

I like Herbal tea..
there, I said it..

It's a beautiful day today..one of the neighborhood cats [Avaril] almost caught a rabbit..I was sitting on the bench in the picnic areea, drinking my soapy, decaf choco-coffee, listening to the birds and contemplating life and this rabbit darts past me..

I live in the Smokey Mountains..half way down a steep hill..There's is a valley 20 feet beyond my front door..

Before the rabbit incident (and I should add that Avaril's brother Ashley--a mancoon--is joining her in her hunting expeditions)..I had been playing the Tabla [my Indian drums, made in Pakistan].. I play them to connect with nature..I have know idea how to play them properly..but the Tennessee state motto is after all--Sounds Good.

I had a lot of cool ideas today..my sleep schedule is off..I woke up last night at like 8:30 (yes, PM) after catching up on some sleep..So I'm still up almost 16 hours later..I figure I might as well go to bed tonight and join the rest of the night sleeping society..

I tried posting my Movie Script [The Insignificant Others]..but the Computer restarted itself during the editing process of scene 2..I swear my computer has its own mind sometimes..I took it as a sign or something..If you wanna read the first scene..it's at October 18--in honor of the day I moved to Tennessee. I was going to post five scenes..but I may just have to do it on RT.

Old Friends, Bookends

2006-03-11T04:36:00.000-05:00

Well I just got off the PM with my friend Andy back in NJ.. He was the other Muppet on the balcony..Me and him raised holy Hell since I was 11..We sort of had a falling out back in Jersey (over the past three years)..but we're getting back to some heart to heart online..He just asked me about some of my at-home business ventures..I won't bore you with the details..cause I never go into detail with those that don't ask..It truly would be an exercise in futility--as society has conditioned us to not be self responsible in many important ways (e.g being prosperous).. He went to my church and school (Cumberland Christian) up until graduation..and we kept hanging out afterwards..He's the only friend left from my early years..

We started hanging out in diners and watching a lot of movies and drinking together for several years before I moved to TN. It takes a certain type of person (male or female) to be able to withstand my bizarre ideas and energy patterns long term.. Many have tried and "fallen from grace"..

Here's my problem with religion..and I figured it out when I was like ten..If murder is wrong..then why is most of the Old Testament about the nomadic Jews' mass slaughter of civilization..God says they're wicked.."here we go again"..and what was my school's Team name?--The Crusaders . Right..once again--let's glorify mass slaughter. Ironically, every day I'm told how sinful I was..subsequently, after thirteen years of conditioning..I believed it..Now I know better..We are judged only by the consequences of our actions--not our thoughts, fellings, or "nature".

Our nature is something we need to return to / actualize..not be cleansed from. I learned the Bible visually and auditorially for about fifteen years..at least three church sessions a week & an hour a day (at school) and an hour or two long assembly on Wednesdays (at school). But every oppression in my life has been a powerful learning tool eventually--in some way or another..That's the benefit you always have over your oppressors..you can learn..they (Oh, the ubiquitous, formidable they) are just thrusting personal frustration upon you..In conclusion, Religion has its moments and its uses..But mostly it's all just emotions and transitions..

Life is change.

My First Post--what's up with old people and black socks?

2006-03-10T07:34:00.000-05:00

I took two Muppet Personality tests online :

I have a couple blogs on RottenTomatoes..my new buddy--AngryGnomer turned me on to this site..which is cool..time for a change She's got a great journal.. I love it..I look forward to posting my ridiculous ideas and tidbits of useful/less knowledge on here.
One thing about me and online journals..always click on the pictures..

The Insignifacant Others--Scene 1

2005-10-18T09:12:00.000-05:00

Our main character, Ben, is sitting on the couch staring blankly at the wall. He doesn't look too happy. In fact, he is about to cry. But as far as the camera is concerned, we don't know this yet.
After about thirty seconds of this nonsense, he goes to the bathroom medicine cabinet. The camera follows him from behind and switches accordingly as he gets to the bathroom. He takes a bottle of Ginseng capsules, stares at it for a couple seconds then takes three. He is mumbling to himself at this point. He does the same for the next bottle [St. John's wort--only takes two]. Then he takes four kava kava capsules. He mumbles about whether or not he should be mixing these particular herbs together.
The camera follows him [right profile view] to the kitchen where his mug of coffee is sitting on the counter. We assume it's cold because no steam is rising from it. As he arrives at the coffee, we get an unnecessary close-up of the mug. It seems to be a tall plastic mug consisting of two innocent-(looking) ring-Necked Pheasants (one of which is eating corn). At the bottom of the mug is a blue etched name tag w/ white letters--spelling the name Pete. None of this is pertinent to the movie in anything more than vaguely subliminal way. It does lend credibility, however, to the viewer's assumption that the mug is holding tepid coffee due to the inherent plasticity of the afformentioned mug.
Ben takes all nine pills in one swig of coffee cause the audience needs to see what a scraggily bugger he truly is [right off the bat]. No pulling punches in this movie, no sir.
The camera switches from his right to his left side as he walks over to the stereo. He flips a tape over and hits play. The couch is directly across from the stereo, so the camera faces him briefly as he walks towards it, switching 180 degrees as he sits down.
After five seconds he begins crying. Beethoven is playing. After another few seconds, he reaches to the side of the couch for some cheese curls and proceeds to sob uncontrollably while mumbling to himself incoherently, listening to classical music, and, of course, eating cheese curls. We tolerate this nonsense (as a collective audience) for about ten or twelve seconds until the phone rings. It rings two times before he even notices. He gets up, with bag in hand, still crying and answers it.

CUT TO A TELEMARKETER'S CUBICLE
A woman is doing her spiel. She is surrounded by other telemarketer's, pictures of children/dogs, and a small plant.

TELEMARKETER
May I speak with *pauses, speaks as if

confused, slowly* Hamhock Jenkins, please?

CAMERA SWITCHES TO A SPLIT SCREEN
Ben sobs throughout the entire phone conver-
sation.

BEN
He's not here..
TELEMARKETER
Well do you know?..
Ben cuts her off.
BEN
He's my dad!
TELEMARKETER
Do you know when your daddy

will be in?
BEN
I'm not a little kid!
TELEMARKETER
I'm having trouble hearing you, the music

is really loud.

Ben takes a huge bite of cheese curls.

BEN
I thed om ot a itl tid!!
TELEMARKETER
*sarcastically* Oh I understand

perfectly. Ben puts the phone even

closer to his mouth and sobs real loud.

CUT CAMERA ON TELEMARKETER'S SIDE TO PROFILE VIEW FACING A LONG HALLWAY.
The telemarketer takes off her head set-glances at it incredulously a moment-and walks to the bathroom.
Ben sets down the phone, and his crying slowly subsides.
END SPLIT SCREEN
CUT TO TELEMARKETER IN THE BATHROOM.
She is washing her face. Two women are standing by a stall smoking cigarettes, having a (Seemingly) vapid conversation . She looks at herself in the mirror and splashes water on her face.

VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
Did you here about that restaurant owner?
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
No, what?
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
He had that affair with the yoga teacher.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
Oh my God.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
Their businesses were in the same building.

The thing of it was--it got to his conscience

and he was trying to tell his friend the cook

about it, only the dishwasher overhead it.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
Uh huh.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
Turns out he was friends with the yoga

teacher. He had a nervous breakdown.

He ended up having digestive problems,

and had it out with the boss without really

telling him what happened.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
Poor guy. The Dishwasher, I mean.

A break.

VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
So how did you hear about it?
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
I know the dishwasher. He's a close friend

of mine. The first telemarketer groans a

little bit. She is about to turn and walk out

of the bathroom.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
You look like you could use one of these.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
I think I might have an extra one.

VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2 reaches into her purse.
The 1st telemarketer puts out her hand as if to say no thank you.

TELEMARKETER
You do know those are stimulants, right?
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 1
But they help me relax.. when I'm stressed.
TELEMARKETER
Even though it's a stimulant.
VACUOUS BYSTANDER 2
It works somehow. I don't ask any questions;

I just do it.

They both laugh at this assenine joke.
[NOTE: CHOOSE MUSIC FOR THIS MOMENT]
Our anti-hero Telemarketer shakes her head deflatedly, walks out of the bathroom, across the office, grabs a few thing from her desk, crosses the parking lot, and starts her car. She sits in it for a moment before driving away.
CUT TO CUBICLES.
Her manager is kind of scratching his head wondering why she walked out. He picks up the headphones at her station and hears the slight sound of music. He puts them on his head to hear Beethoven. He hits a few buttons on the keyboard to get a dial tone.
He makes an appeal to anyone around him.

MANAGER
Did anyone happen to catch why Cath-

erine left suddenly?

The two women come back from their "cigarette break".

MANAGER
Did either of you two see why

Catherine walked out and went home?

They both shrug their shoulders and go back to their cubicles.

MANAGER
She showed potential. Eh, well.

CUT BACK TO BEN'S HOUSE
Ben is sleeping on a loveseat couch--the music is no longer playing. He is in the fetal pos-
ition clutching his bag of cheese curls. His mouth is hanging open, and his breathing sounds very dry and heavy.
A man walks into the room & looks at him lov-
ingly for a moment. Then he walks over and smacks Ben on the back of the head.

BEN
Huh?..Whahh..

The man is leaning over him grinning. Ben "accidentally" punches him in the nuts with his left hand, as he is turning onto his back. His father topples over in pain..

HAMBONE
You mother..

Ben is still groggy/half-asleep.

BEN
No, I'm your son. And I told you

what would happen if you ever did that again.

Ben sits up.

BEN
You called my bluff.

Starts clapping acrimoniously.

HAMHOCK
You got me boy. You got me. You

innocubated my technicals.
BEN
Don't make me do it again, old man.

I'm a little depressed these days.

Ben starts doing a Yoda voice.

BEN
Depression leads to anger. anger leads

to hate. Hate leads to the dark side..hmm?
HAMHOCK
Boy, I'm like darth Vader and the anchorer

all rolled up in one taco.
BEN
You don't roll tacos, pops. You roll burritos.
HAMHOCK
You gettin smart with me.
BEN
I wouldn't dream of it, Hamhock. I

wouldn't dream of it.